I never knew my eyes were bright until I was told. I never believed the speaker and thought it was a cheap compliment. The speaker kept repeating it most times we met and that brought emphasis, which made me, believe. Since I became a believer, I am nothing short of flattered and last night I grinned myself to sleep, waiting earnestly just to hear it again in the morning. I was so flattered that I don’t want to close them, afraid they won’t be bright when I wake again.
I am bewildered because I may have been told this before, I am not so sure, but this person is apparently convinced. Maybe others didn’t see it or they just chose not to. Maybe they don’t want to tell me to make me feel good or maybe they haven’t peeked into my soul. Whatever their reason, it doesn’t really matter to me at all; what matters now is hearing it again from this one individual that somehow there is some light there.
It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, so if they go dim so does my soul. Maybe this means that a bright soul results in bright eyes? Hence, the eyes are a reflection of someone’s soul. If that is so, then, why are my eyes even bright, if my soul isn’t and by what standards am I defining the brightness of a soul?
Sometimes I don’t feel like there is any light in my soul. I have not always been a good person; in fact I may be an undercover rebel. Always trying to find my own, be my own and do my own. I sometimes live on the edge or jump from puddle to puddle getting myself wet and muddy. Trying to free myself from classically conditioned behaviors and ways of thinking; making space for Nico -my preferred name- not Wayne -my given name- to shine.
Now for all those deeds, I say, my soul does not deserve to be bright. But what about those times when I put my life on hold to make others better? What about me laughing crazily just to make depressed friends feel better? Hiding my true feelings to make everyone around me comfortable? Scaling fences made out of zinc to reduce the pressure on friends and loved ones? What happens to my soul then, does it get any brighter?
There are times I may lie to get out of trouble. I can be selfish and self-serving without my heart breaking. I can become so proud people stay away from me. When I watched porn and masturbated like a good Christian kid (Hey, I am only human). Avoiding my faults and highlighting those of my father…
Does my soul go dim then?
There are times I may lie to save lives, families, reputations and to keep siblings and childhood friends out of trouble. Remained humble in the worst situations imaginable, fed the poor and even my enemies and made myself little. I now help others curb their porn addictions (hey, they are only human). Highlighting my faults and not those of my father…
So does my soul remain dim still?
Whatever you ‘perfect’ people think, it doesn’t matter. I was told my eyes are bright and now I am a believer and if bright eyes mean bright soul… then my soul hasn’t gone dim.
I won’t say that I am not a murderer, a rapist, thief, drug addict or homosexual. Anyone can become anything given the right circumstances and maybe even-sad but true- the right amount of cash. Would a man kill for his child or wife? Would he rape under the influence of a drug or alcohol when his inhibitions are all gone? Will he steal to feed his starving pregnant wife or even engage in homosexual acts in the most private spaces or for a lump sum of cash?
Do you really know who you sit beside in church or in a lecture theatre? Do you know who you work with or sleep next to? How many marriages end in massacres? Did these people decide to love a killer or was it the killer who loved them? I think no, but the conditions were unfortunately most appropriate.
Let’s judge not, lest we be judged. Let’s learn to forgive and to love.
My point is we all have good and bad in us, no matter how we try to be morally upstanding and starve our evil twin. No matter how heartless we become and lock our good twin in a dark room and hide the key. They are still in us and none of us are wholly good or evil. Even if we do ‘bad’ things to ‘bad’ people or to achieve ‘good’ results, we still should not think of ourselves more good or moral than another.
I am sorry; weren’t we talking about bright eyes? I think all eyes are bright so let them shine regardless of what you’ve done. Like a candle, they may sometimes go dim and sometimes go bright, but if managed carefully they will always shine.
What do you think?